eternally yours

The journey never ends and it continues to make moments… many moments of different kinds. Sometimes, well most of the time you don't exactly know where and when it begins but it continues to enfold itself without you knowing it. And then you wake up, not knowing the direction, left, right, centre… whichever. There should never be controlled and narrowed concepts. Sometimes emptiness is all I feel.
The last month ended in a most reluctant way… mother nature wanted me to face challenges a little bit more… always testing.

A few days ago, someone said 'it's never a commitment". Nothing in life is a commitment and it hit me so hard. It is true that nothing in life should be a commitment. Whatever we get ourselves into should not be seen as a commitment, better off not to be seen that way and I understand it well enough. It will be complete when it is not seen as 'work' but selfless vocation. Society has built us to think of commitment the way it is and mother nature says otherwise.
Atok left us on Sunday and I can only pray and wish that he is safe. Missing him can be quite a torture and having to put a brave face on has not been easy. All I think about is him, miss and regret. So much regret and atok, maafkanlah saya, beribu-ribu ampun kerana tak dapat jumpa atok dan tak jawab telepon bila atok telefon suzi hari tu. I am truly sorry.

I miss the way you tuck me in, your atok way.
I miss going for drives with you in your Renault.
I miss your smell.
I miss how you cut my finger nails.
I miss how you make nestum, your atok way
I miss eating with you and how you tell me to never rush with my food and to always always take my time.
I miss how you tell me off whenever I start singing while eating
I miss hearing you play the accordion and I hate the fact that I didn't know that the last time I saw you play was the very last time I heard you
I miss how you always took me to the barber for my haircuts
I miss how you would hide the sweet box under your bed for me so that mama won't scold me
I miss how you got annoyed whenever I start jumping on your bed, singing "go go shut the door"
I miss hearing you in the mornings and playing Arabic music at full volume selepas subuh
I miss watching you
But most of all… I miss having the you and me moments.

Atok you taught me so much, much more than any man in my life. And I love you more than any man. You taught me love. Your love was selfless and I will always treasure that. I hope you heard me when I visited you yesterday. I felt nothing more but missing you and at the same time rested upon the fact that your home is filled with tranquility.